Updated: Sep 8, 2021
All alone with my thoughts that are nowhere to be found. I feel empty today, as empty and cold as the sad weather outside. There is no sadness in it though, but no fuzzy warm Christmassy feeling either, no human emotion, no love or desire for it.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if loneliness is my destiny. I have tried to change this recently, but it all ended up in a pitiful mess. No matter what I do I just cannot accept people for who they are. I can understand their behaviour and even feel compassion for it. I have recently discovered with consternation that I can even cry for another and for their deep-felt wounds, at the same precise moment when these wounds are causing them to create havoc in my own life by crushing my very own hopes and dreams.
I can cry and I can suffer for them even more than I do for myself because I understand that pain so well.
I understand that it is all coming from the same ancestral wounds that I have been trying to heal in myself for decades without any success, so the rejection and the hurtful coldness doesn’t surprise me but only doubles my pain because I see reflected in it my own inability to grow and love unconditionally, my own failure of becoming a wholesome human being that needs no external validation of its own worth.
I can see everything so clearly and I can see as well that on a very deep level all of this it’s nothing but a mirroring of my own wounds and fears, of my own inner demons so I cannot judge, and I cannot blame, yet associating myself with this kind of wounded humanity makes me feel small, insignificant and makes me feel that the fragile stream of light that usually exists in my soul always becomes weaker.
I can only see light coming from some faraway place that has nothing to do with the real world.
A place where strong principles like fairness, kindness, understanding and love for the other no matter who he is, still exists. A place where colours and races and differences are something inspiring, something meant to make life more beautiful and more full of values and treasures to be discovered not something that we are discriminating against.
A place where saying I love you and I miss you and I wish you could be around more often can be received with excitement and not with the feeling of being trapped and a fear of commitment. A place where weapons that have the potential to kill millions of human beings could never have been invented. A place where humankind can live a comfortable life without destroying and exploiting everything it touches: without making the earth bleed and the skies cry every single day.
A place so far away from the earthly reality that makes the human existence itself seem completely unreasonable and purposeless to me sometimes.