Updated: Nov 13, 2021
The truth is that many of us would need a map to tell us where normality starts and where it ends, and I don’t mean the kind of normality that makes you blend-in among your peers at any cost so that no one else to ever find out what a screw up you are, but that normality, the understanding of which, could save you years of nothingness and despair, years of a wasted life.
What I mean is that when your reality is so different from anyone else's, you grow up and keep on living your adult life, maybe even till the end sometimes for normal, even when everything that happens to you is so far from that.
Not only this, but you also live taking the blame for all the mess ups of your mind and feeling always more guilty and frustrated about so many things, without ever realizing that none of them are your fault.
You end up believing that your inability to focus on anything is because you are, as many people are saying, nothing but a ditzy airhead who never pays attention to anything.
You believe that your eternal fidgeting and moving, and never staying still, is just a weirdo act.
You believe the fact that you never understand properly what people are saying, even after it has been repeated for three or four times, to be just because you’re allowing yourself to get distracted.
You believe that those moments when you feel death coursing through your veins and not having the power to lift a straw are nothing but evil attacks of laziness.
You believe that your incapacity to have any emotion, any human feeling, even any remorse sometimes is proof that you are a very bad person and don’t deserve to live amongst nice and caring people.
You believe that your eternal loneliness and the fact that you have never managed to get close to another human being or have a real relationship, is just due to poor circumstances or to the fact that you’ve never met the right person, not realizing that in fact all past and present traumas are stopping you from trusting anyone and even more, from allowing any person to become part of your messed up universe because the only thing that you actually want is to hide your monstrosity and unworthiness.
No wonder then that when by pure causality or even worst by despair you get close to someone either you become a total "character" scaring them away. Either even worse, you accept the most humiliating attitudes and situations. You are behaving this way, not so much out of the fear of being alone but from a profound desire that, for at least once in your life, you can feel human and normal and capable of having a "real-life".
That "real-life" that you know deep down: no matter how many years or decades have passed since your birth, you’ve never actually had even though over time, you became really good at pretending that you did.